I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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