I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
