Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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