I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
