when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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