The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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