Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
