Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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