My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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