I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
