my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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