After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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