So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
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Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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