is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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