Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
