Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
