You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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