By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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