what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
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My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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