god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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