He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
