walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he laminated a picture of his dick.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
