all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
