Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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