I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Congratulations! We have a period
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