Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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