smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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