Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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