Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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