he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize
