I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
