Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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