Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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