take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
