my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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