i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
