Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
where are you?
Hypothermia
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
