im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
