he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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