Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
