So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
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Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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