Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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