I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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