Don't you send me to vm
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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