I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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