i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
