I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
