Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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