this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
