let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
