life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
