Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
