im six kinds of drunk right now
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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